How to Believe in Yourself Again - At Work and in Life
“I need to integrate it.”
This is what my client said, when I asked about her goals.
Like with traditional consulting, personal branding begins with defining objectives. If you don’t know what you’re trying to achieve, how will you ever get there?
So, I has asked her, "What does success look like for you as we do this work?"
She said she needed to not only define her value, but she needed to integrate it.
In other words, I realized, she needed help to believe in it.
Of course she did. This woman has spent a lifetime busting past barriers, defying expectations, succeeding at levels nobody thought she could. Where others see roadblocks and inevitability, this woman sees possibilities. And then she makes them happen.
This is what we uncovered in our work together. She had such a beautiful story to tell, I was itching to see her get it out there.
But in that moment I finally understood: It wouldn’t be enough for her to define her value and write her story. What she actually needed was to internalize it all, so she could really live it.
And after 4 years doing this work with women very much like her, I can say this:
She is absolutely not alone.
Here is what’s happening:
All around us, women are disappearing.
Thanks to the work of our forebears, we are a generation that believes we can do anything, be anything, have it all. And I believe we can, in myriad ways.
But we are actually achieving that and guess what?
It’s killing us. We’re running into walls, we’re burnt out, we’re overweight and we're underweight, we can’t sleep but we’re exhausted from proving people wrong, or contorting ourselves for decades to be what our companies need from us.
What I see, from where I sit, is this: We are losing ourselves.
For the past 4 years, I’ve been working to address this. My whole business is about helping corporate women reclaim their identities.
But what’s changed for me now, in a year where I’m working with the most incredible people I’ve ever met, is this new understanding.
It isn’t enough for me to help these women define their brands. I have to help them believe in it.
And so, with much preamble, I give you this:
How to Believe in Yourself – At Work, and Beyond
Step 1: Name the problem.
You know that feeling when people compliment you, and you shrug it off? That’s a sign that you struggle from a lack of confidence. It’s ok, and it’s understandable. You’re tired, you’re overextended, and you haven’t been trained to own your superpowers.
So, if any of this is resonating with you, say it with me: “I am amazing, and I need to believe in myself more.”
Step 2: Gather your champions.
I am perennially citing the great Ashley Quinto Powell who, early in my solopreneur life, taught me about the power of a personal CRM tool. She advises consultants to create an excel spreadsheet with 200 ‘champions’ – these are people who want to see us succeed.
They can be personal, professional, probably some combination of the two. She says, “if you went to lunch, you wouldn’t be sure whether to charge it to your personal or your work card.”
Even the exercise of thinking about these people can be extraordinary. 200 is a lot (I’m still at 169). But they’re out there, and they want to hear from you, and putting their names on paper can help remind you how loved and surrounded you are.
Step 3: Define your value.
I could write for years on this topic (and I have) so I’ll keep it brief here. There are ten bazillion ways to tackle the topic of who you are, what you stand for, what makes you incredible, and the story(ies) you have to tell.
There are also many people out there who specialize in guiding executives through this process, myself included. Find a friend, a coach, or just some space and quiet to do some exercises like these and get the ball rolling.
Step 4: Rally the champions.
After you get started, do the thing everyone hates most: Ask others for input.
Reach out to them and say:
“I’m working to define my value so I can really lean into it going forward. As my [friend/colleague/champion/spouse/sibling/mentor], would you be willing to weigh in and help me with this?”
You can share your draft for their feedback and say “what am I missing? What could be stronger?” or you can ask them, “what would YOU say is my superpower? What should I be celebrating more about myself?”
And then the key part: read it. Again and again. Save it to read any time you need. Put it on your fridge. Frame it in your office.
Those kind words are real, they are earned, and they are gold.
Step 5: Integrate it.
Now here’s the really crucial part. You have to take the words from page to soul. There’s no direct route to integrating kind words about you into you, but two things that really help are talking, and practicing.
Say your brand language to people, any time you get a chance. It feels uncomfortable but research shows that the act of speaking it begins to actually drive it into your mind and psyche.
With the client I mentioned at the outset, I discovered that I couldn’t just send things to her to read. I had to get her on a zoom, look her in the eyes, and read it to her out loud. And then let her sit in it. It took time, but we started to break through.
And then, you find ways to USE the language in real life. Here are a few examples:
When introducing yourself, you can say “here are the three best ways to get the most out of me…” or “I’m proudest of my ability to…”
In a room full of fellow leaders or with direct reports, you can say, “I realize I can often come across as X, but I want you to know that what I really mean here is Y.”
Use the nuggets in interviews and networking conversations. You can say “I come from a family of explorers. This mindset has always shaped the way I tackle new challenges. Let me tell you what I mean by that…”
Have fun with it. Use this creative language to help others know you, and the more you talk this way, the more you will actually believe it – and exhibit it too.